*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My what?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
can’t bark with your mouth full
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.