Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
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detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I remember when things only cost an arm.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.