Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.