Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I love it all
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth