‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
very niche meme I made
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I want this so bad
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.