I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets