You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”