r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?