If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Lmfaoooooo
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.