When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby