My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
can you read it!!??
maan!
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.