baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
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Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.