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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Namaste
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?