I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
This came to me in a dream.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?