One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.