[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
why isn’t he texting back
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
happy mother’s day❤️
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number