My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.