I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
#damn