insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.