me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I did not eat the cake…
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers