Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
looks legit
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”