I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
i actually laughed 😩
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.