Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.