My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a