I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends