Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”