You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
then why did i get this email
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.