I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Me buying fruit and veg
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.