mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
You Might Also Like
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Carpe DM
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.