mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting