You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
just left a huge legacy in there
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.