*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)