TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi