My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.