“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
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*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.