[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
You Might Also Like
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.