Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
sigh
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle