“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?