My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Beware…..
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process