I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Breaking news:
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
dutch is not a serious language
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play