CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses