Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
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The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*