Yup….perfect score!
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Florida be like…
We need more people like this.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.