Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.