An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I love it all
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth