Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
You Might Also Like
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
finally found a reasonable question
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.