A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
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My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.