Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
the three genders
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison