girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
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Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.