Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”